Sunday, July 7, 2013

Thoughts during my first experience of kava...

There's a whisper.
There's a whisper,
all but over there.
It's the intangible wind
that combs through your hair.

There's a laugh
and a smile,
from a love long forgot.
He's alone and lost,
and worst of all
an afterthought.

There's a sigh
and a cry
for those who are in pain.
The battle is endless,
and their shadows remain.

But there's hope,
there is love,
a joy no one can describe.
It's that certain feeling
you wished for
for your whole,

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Un-independence day

It's Independence Day, and as I write this it's 1:29 a.m. My eyes are puffed and tired from crying and my nose is rubbed raw; I am feeling far from independent. Rather I feel dependent on everything and anything around me in fear that I'll fall and relapse into a time and place that I know is no good for me.

In my last post I wrote about chasing something. What that something is, I have no idea. As a matter of fact I still don't. However, I have a few guesses. Uncertainty being one option, and awareness the other. Or maybe they go together.

How to reconcile with the uncertainty of life, I do not know. It only makes me question who to trust, and most of all, if I can even trust myself. There's nothing like things or people knocking you down as you make mistakes that you've become aware that your face has been on the ground all along. You've been inhaling the dirt, clogging up your lungs, but still you breathe, hoping that if you hold your ground things would be okay.

I know I'm not making sense. But at this unfortunate hour that I'm up. It makes sense to me.

I have this urge to rip up my diploma, a symbol of almost four years of my life amounting to... amounting to... well, frankly I don't know. I feel like I'm being punished for being an honest person. Is it bad to love so much? Is it bad to be who you are? Even if that means being reserved and a dreamer?

Apparently, yes. It seems like everyone wants me to be something else, even though all I want to be is myself. But the world doesn't belong to me. It's not my game, and therefore not my rules. It's their game and they want me to play it their way.

And I've decided that I don't particularly like this game very much. It's no wonder I keep to myself!