Messy Life

A friend of mine asked me today if I missed being in a relationship. I answered yes and no. I miss the good things like having someone be there, falling asleep to their heartbeat, and being loved by them; but I don't miss the bad: the fighting, jealousy, and the pressure. Sometimes I feel lonely, and at other times at ease without having to care for another, but at the end of the day I'm indecisive.

Have I felt love in any of my relationships? I've said "I love you" to three different guys, but I think I only meant it once. Yet, that one time I allowed myself to love someone led to my own destruction; and  at times I feel like I never recovered from it. Where do I go from there? The question burns in my mind, but I push it away.

It's the weekend.
4/20 and picnic day.
Just wanna live in the moment.

Hung out with friends I met last summer, smoked. It's been awhile. Go the party. Take a shot. Smile. Meet new people, good conversation. Take another shot. Talk some more. Hug people I haven't seen for awhile. Take another shot. I'm feeling the music. I want to dance, but no one's dancing. I dance anyway. Other people dance too. Shot. Feeling good. Time for BP. Win two games, and too tired to play another one. Drink water, and more water. Good conversation. Dance. Talk and catch up. Walk home around three a.m. Sleep.

Wake up. Dance practice. Off to picnic day. The bus is too crowded. The motion of the bus makes me lose my balance, so I hold on to him.Walk. Take a drink. Walk. Take a drink. Exhibits, dogs, people watching. Michelle is a common name. At least you didn't call me Jessica. Take a rest under the shade. Talk and laugh. Go to the pool and talk. Good conversations about the fallacies of marriage, love, and interesting people. I smile. Ice cream. Say goodbyes. Nap. Go back home.

Get a text message with sad news. Life is fragile. The mental state is fragile. I use to be there at one point, now I'm seeing someone else go down that wrong path, and I don't know what to do.

Now I'm sitting here, when I should go to bed. Dress shopping in SF tomorrow morning for the soon-to-be bride. But I'm awake, thinking how life is so messy. Thinking of people I do and do not know. Thinking how quickly the present becomes the past.

Do I miss being in a relationship? The answer doesn't really matter. Life is messy. If love come my way, so be it, and may it be a wonderful adventure. If it never comes, I'll be fine. Life is messy, but it's filled with the most interesting people. You guys make me smile, new and old friends. You guys make it all okay. Watching the stars together, talking about everything, walking without a direction. It's gonna be alright.

Life may be messy, but one should never throw it away.