Manuscript

Three days ago, I told myself that by the end of winter quarter, I will have a completed rough draft of a manuscript. The deadline I gave myself will be my 22nd Birthday on March 26. Three months. I think this is a good enough time frame even if I'm going to school full-time. I guess there's a part of me that wants to leave college feeling accomplished or with something to begin my career as a writer. Not that this manuscript would make me a writer, but I would actually feel like one (we all need an ego-boost once and a while). It may not be something that would get published, but I think it'll provide me with a great lesson, teaching me patience and the rewards of tenacity.

Personally, to complete this undertaking would just be monumental. The end goal for me is to get a novel published. For me, to share my words and stories, in the hopes of changing someone's life would be the greatest accomplishment I could ever receive.

Baby steps though. The first being to write everyday, until I can hold a stack of papers filled with my own words in my hands, happily smiling, with my eyes brimming with tears of joy at something I can be proud of. And of course, celebrating with a glass of my favorite wine!

Until then. My daily goal is 1,000 words per day (although, how diligently I can meet this goal really depends on my course load. Nonetheless, I'm optimistic!). I'm thinking my manuscript will be about 100,000 words long.

After three days, I'm at 10,000, hence my blog post to celebrate this mini step. Although, this is attributed to the fact that I've been on vacation. Nonetheless, I hope my enthusiasm for this story does not lessen with each passing day.

My characters are depending on me and I mustn't let them down.

The End of Fall Quarter

has finally come. Finals are finished. I'm so exhausted; mentally and physically. Looking back, the quarter seemed to go by so fast, but at the same time, I felt like it was drawn out. It probably wasn't my best quarter academically, since I didn't strive for my best. Instead, I just wanted to get by. I guess you could say I have my head in the clouds, which is partly true. I'm a dreamer and I have this desire to get out and explore. However, the rational part of me keeps beating me down with the sinking truth of reality. This inner conflict just bubbles under the surface of my skin, making the quarter uncomfortable and unbearable. But now, it's over. What next?

Sure, I have winter quarter left and ten more weeks of academia. But it won't be the same. I'll be applying for jobs and waiting. Waiting for what? Well, I don't even know. I just know something's going to happen. Something's coming my way. And so in the mean time, I'll be taking some classes. Half will be creative workshop classes, so the work load will be comparably easier than previous quarters, and the other half... well, I'll get by as usual.

As commencement approaches,  I'm starting to feel uneasy and I don't know why. I try to remind myself that this is what I wanted, so what am I so afraid of? The worst I can do is fall on stage, right?

Easy Healthy Cookies for one!

A healthy cookie=banana+oatmeal!

Had a bad cookie craving, and I ate bad all weekend! But I really, really, really, wanted cookies. So I found this two ingredient (base) cookie to satisfy my craving without feeling guilty.

Take half a banana and smash it. Then mix with 1/4 cup of quick-cooking oatmeal. Ta-da!

But I wanted to add some sweetness so a dash of cinnamon and a few 42% cacao chocolate chips (next time I'm going to try raisins!!!)

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a baking sheet. Divide mixture into 4 cookies. Bake for 15 minutes. Let cool, and enjoy!

(I was so excited I ate half a cookie before remembering to take a photo!)

This is definitely something I can have for breakfast too, since it's so filling!

*~33 cals per cookie (not including the choc-chips).

Winter's Grip

The night is dark. Harshly cold.
She waits and listens,
for something and nothing.
Hiding away in her room,
her mind becomes distant.

She thinks of him.
Alive and dead.
Sane and insane.

But then wonders where she falls?
Alive, physically?
Dead, emotionally?
Sane to function?
Insane to-

Blank Page-Christina Aguilera

I know there's hurt I know there's pain,
But people change lord knows I've been no saint
In my own way, regret choices I've made
How do I say I'm sorry? How do I say I'm sorry?

I was scared, I was unprepared oh, for the things you said
If I could undo that I hurt you I would do anything for us to make it through
Draw me a smile, and save me tonight
I am a blank page waiting for you to bring me to life
Paint me a heart let me be your art

I am a blank page waiting for life to start
Let our hearts stop and beat as one together
Let out hearts stop and beat as one forever
How can I erase decisions I've made
How do I go back what more can I say
All that remains are hearts filled with shame
How do we say we're sorry? How do we say we're sorry

I was scared, I was unprepared oh, for the things you said
If I could undo that I hurt you I would do anything for us to make it through
Draw me a smile and save me tonight
I am a blank page waiting for you to bring me to life
Paint me a heart let me be your art

I am a blank page waiting for life to start
Let our hearts stop and beat as one together
Let out hearts stop and beat as one forever
I'd go back in time and I'll realize
Our spirits aligned and we'd never die
Draw me a smile, and save me tonight
I'll be your blank page waiting for you to bring me to life
Paint me a heart let me be your art
I am a blank page waiting for life to start
Let our hearts start and beat as one together
Let our hearts start and beat as one forever

Tears

What are tears? But words of the heart?

I'll admit, for a blogger I don't write much. It's due to the fact that I believe their is a fine line between public and private life. I've always been a private person. The person who bottles up everything and shuts down, because she doesn't know what to say, nor explain. I like to think that I'm not fragile. But the truth is, I am. I like to think that I'm brave. But I'm not. There's a fine line between the person you are and the person you want to be. Finding that middle ground is a journey, and every time I think I've made it or found that medium, I realize that I'm farther from where I've started. I've been going the opposite direction. I've gotten lost. I've been stuck. I've been found. And sometimes I've disappeared.

The hard part, is reappearing. Trying again. To find a way, to find a future, when the past follows you like a ghost. Haunting you when awake, and trying to take you as you sleep.

It would be so easy to succumb and give up. But I know I can't allow it to be an option.

Maybe a good cry was all I needed. To wash away the pain and resentment imprinted on my heart, etched into my skin, and burned into my memory. Maybe a few tears will cleanse the soul. A few tears for some sort of solace. A few tears, for when there's no one to listen.

I'm doing okay. But someone somewhere right now, isn't. And so, a few tears for them.

------

If you're quiet, you can hear him.
Slow and shallow breaths.
White puffs in winter's black.
Frozen hands
unable to reach out.
For help, for love, for sympathy,
and most of all forgiveness.
A lonely shadow
in the recesses of our minds.

Infecting-
slow and agonizing.
A funeral of our suffering.