Friday, June 29, 2012

I have a feeling this will become my favorite movie...

The Words (Movie Trailer)

We love and we hurt; we learn and we grow. Only then will we start anew.

I woke up this morning and I noticed that I was breathing easily. No panic. No stress. No groggy or tired feeling. No nightmares or  crazy dreams. Just a peaceful sleep ended by my eyes opening.

No more ties to the past, only hope for each coming day. It's the feeling of falling in love, and I am in love with life, despite all the pain that comes with it... because with pain, comes beauty.

And with beauty comes strength.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My Endurance Mentality

I have a hate/love relationship with running.

When I was younger I hated running. It always seemed so boring to me, doing the same motion over and over. I preferred playing sports and I always joked with my coaches that if they wanted me to run they would need to give me a soccer or volleyball to motivate me to.

But in college sports just weren't the same anymore and I started getting into running last year. I starting signing up for 10K's and then a half-marathon, but I hated training for race day. I only loved the feeling of finishing the finish line. Somehow, this perspective seemed skewed. It was like I was just living for one moment. But that's not how life or running should be. Life isn't about one moment but all of the little moments. Each and every step. Life is about the journey you go through, and the accumulation of those moments and events create these finish lines along the way. Now I can finally see running as a metaphor for that.

But that wasn't my initial perspective.

During my first half-marathon, I was proud of myself that I finished, but I wasn't proud of my time. If anything I was ashamed of it. I would tell myself that the only reason I finished was because I had the ability to endure pain. Whether it's enduring emotional and physical stress, or a haunting past, I seemed to be a pro at enduring it all.

Yet, pain tolerance isn't something to be proud of...

Putting one foot in front of the other, I told myself to keep moving and push past it all. Keeping my dreams and goals in sight, I realized that I had to move on.

I learned to forgive others and forgive myself, accept and acknowledge the past as a reminder to myself who I am, and learning to let it go with each breath.

Soon enough I was running faster, breathing easier, and conquering every mile. With hard work and dedication, running felt like flying, and I finally felt free from all the things that I had endured. I may not be the fastest or the best runner, but I was becoming a happier person.

To cross those finish lines in life, you have to work hard and keep at it with each and every step.

On July 14th I will be proud of myself for finishing my second half-marathon and I will be proud of my time. But most of all, I will be proud of who I am and how far I've come to be the young lady that I am today.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Best Summer Ever 2 0 1 2!

I'm having a really difficult time studying for my last final. I haven't even started and I don't want to. I'm itching for summer especially with a taste of it yesterday night. I'm hoping if I just write it all out, I can get these distracting thoughts out of my head and focus on the upcoming exam.

I guess I should first explain why this summer is so important to me, but to get there I should explain last summer. Last year I was going through a really tough time and I didn't really know what to do to make things better or make myself better. When the quarter ended, I put on a smile and acted like everything was okay when I knew that there was something under the surface, waiting to erupt. I'm sad to say I tried to avoid it all by turning to partying and drinking for that temporary release from reality; or rather, I abused it.

So when the school year came to an end at a graduation party, a few friends and I went downtown. I wanted to forget everything and I knew a little alcohol could do just that. But a little turned out to be a lot,  making me completely reckless. But it seemed like alcohol and partying just couldn't do it for me any more. I completely blacked out and woke up in a friend's bed where the graduation party was still going.

I was ashamed at how I allowed myself to go this far. This night was different from the rest of the stupid parties where I made a fool out of myself. This time I was a mess inside and out, and this time everyone could see it. I couldn't smile it off anymore and I was too tired too. I cried all night and my friends tried to console me, but they didn't really know why I was crying. I gave them excuses, not wanting to admit the truth and let them believe what they wanted.

So once summer arrived, I knew I had to deal with my issues at hand. I isolated myself from my friends and family, trying to focus on myself and gave up drinking and partying. But with the twelve weeks of summer school I just kept putting off what was really bothering me until I created an almost limbo reality for myself. Summer flew by as I declined offers to hang out with friends. Soon enough, some friends were getting engaged and married. Others were leaving. And I found myself in a sad looking office, but finally seeking help.

Other events happened then, but this is all I really think of when I look back at my 2011 summer.

I refuse to let this summer go and slip by, because this is the summer of change. I've learned from my past mistakes and know better now than to make the same ones.

So when next year comes around and I look back at my 2012 summer, I hope to remember it as the best summer ever.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Make the world better, by making yourself better.

In life your dealt a hand of cards, but it's how you play that hand that matters. And how you play that hand depends on you.

There's this phrase that's been thrown around a lot lately. Maybe you've heard of it? "Yolo", short for you only live once. It's got me thinking that if I only live once then I should live for me. That's easier said than done with so many obligations and a society that has expectations I can only try to meet, that soon enough the world starts to weigh me down. The pressure becomes so immense that at times I have a hard time breathing. How can I live the life I want when I am so restricted by finances, morals, and societal rules? Who said the path in life was to go to school, work, get a higher education, to work even more, find a partner, get married, and reproduce? And why do we all continually label each other to the point that we become defined by others?

I find myself passing time laying in my bed and staring out the window about my life and asking how I got up to this moment. I've become such a different person then the girl I used to know. I've cried and smiled throughout the years and grew up along the way. Now entering adulthood, this question burns in my mind: is this who I want to be?

Here is my hand of cards, it's my move. What am I going to do? One life. One game. How do you win? How do you lose?

Well, I want to win. I want happiness.

Yet, happiness comes from within. So I know I need to work on myself, to better myself; because that is the only thing in this grand universe that I have control over. And come to think of it, if everyone bettered themselves and became a little bit happier, the world wouldn't be such a bad place to live in.

But what do I mean by work? I mean working my own mentality (how I think and perceive the world), spirituality (health and fitness), and style (how I choose to live my life). These will be the seeds to happiness that enable me to grow.

If I'm happy, those around me will be too. It'll be infectious in a good way.

This is what YOLO means to me.

As for my hand of cards? Love. Live. Laugh. I think that's a winning hand ;]

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Cyclic Addictions

It's strange to see how fast the years go. Things seem to have changed so much, and at the same time not at all. Like the seasons, we see the familiar temperatures that come and go year after year. The hot, the cold, the warmth, and the cool. The storms, the blazing heat, the whispering winds, and the crying rain.

On that note, there's this memory game I like to play in my head. On a random day I'll sit and think to myself, "What did I do at this time exactly one year ago? Two years ago?" And so on. Sometimes journals jog my memory when I fail to remember, but I notice that I'm always changing, but the same at heart. A romantic, dreamer, and always too trusting. However, my perceptions of the world around me is constantly changing and I've begun to question who I am and who I want to be. I don't want to be chained by other people's perceptions of me nor do I want to be a product of society's conditioning. I don't want to be used or taken for granted, and I will not live in order to please others. It's hard to stick up for yourself, and it's difficult to break old habits.

These habits, or addictions that haunt me, come like the seasons it seems.

But it's time to break free from it all and let it all go. We won't be able to know the day our light goes out, but I rather go with a lighter load. I will not be weighed down, even during eternal sleep.