Happy Thursday!

Avoiding my hw, by playing with photobooth on my macbook pro. I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this... right?

Can't wait to be done with work tomorrow morning, I want the weekend! Five openings in a row was rough! But I gotta save up for VEGAS :] Five more weeks!

This will be the best summer everrrrrrr!

Reason #8: Teachers

It was my Honors English Teacher of my Junior year of high school, Ms. Davis, who said that I should major in English, and it was her class that made me fall in love with the subject.

My first fiction workshop I took at Davis was with Julia Jackson. This is her last quarter at Davis, soon she'll be receiving her MA in Creative Writing. She's such a wonderful person. I kinda wanna be like her in a few years.

This quarter, my poetry fiction professor is Greg Glazner. Yesterday, some classmates and I went to his reading for his new book he also performed some songs he wrote. I was seriously impressed.

I never wanted to be a teacher, but seeing how some teachers have made an impact on me, makes me think that I shouldn't rule it out completely.

Reason #6: Education, Creative Writing, and James Franco

I am literally shaking right now. Maybe it’s from having four cups of coffee (when I usually just have one or two a day) or maybe I’m having an epiphany. My mind is racing, that I can’t keep track of all of my thoughts. I’m sure that it will show in this post, since this won’t have any logical order. It’ll just be pure thought. Stream of consciousness? Probably so. Virgina Woolf, it seems you have rubbed off on me. I can’t get out of my head it seems.

Another reason to live? Education. Doing something/majoring in something you love. I know I complain a lot about school. I want to be done with it like all of my friends who are just a year older than me (if I was only born one year sooner!!!!), but I’m not. I should take advantage of my last year and make the most of it. I had a midterm today about 20^th century writers and theory; after studying about all these dead writers, I realized I wanted to be one of them. Not dead, obviously. But a writer who matters. Who did something. Was a part of something. Anything. I always say I HOPE to be a writer, never having faith in myself or my abilities; but today I thought to myself, I WILL be a writer. I may not be the best, but damn I have a story to tell, and someone’s going to want to listen. I will be published, and if someone is moved by what I wrote, then that is success to me. That’s a life lived if I made someone’s life a little bit better by my words.

This week I’ve been constantly thinking about the future. Daydreaming and hoping. Well that’s enough of that, I’m gonna make it into a reality. Just you wait. For a while I wondered if I could really do it, write all my life… I thought of the long process of writing and editing, all the heartbreak that I would endure being rejected… but yes, I want it. All of that. The heartbreak, long hours of writes and rewrites. Words are eternal. I’m gonna get my words down.

I’ll have my own studio and library to create my books with big open windows… Yeah, I will.

So what brought this on? Well I’ve been obsessed with James Franco. Like seriously obsessed. My role models have always been my family: my mom and my sisters for all their strength and support; but now that I have committed myself wholeheartedly to writing, I had the urge to find a role model for my career. Which is…. JAMES FRANCO. He seriously does everything. I want to do that too. I won’t limit myself to just writing. I’ll do it all. Screen writing, directing, art. I admire his passion for education. It reminds me that I am lucky to learn. The grade doesn’t matter, only the knowledge that I get from the class. I don’t need a 4.0 GPA to write. I need to live life in order to write.  I want to and I am going to live life. I'll be the female version of James Franco (without the acting part).

One day James Franco, we’ll have coffee and discuss books, movies, music, literature, everything. We will be talked about when we die. We’ll make an impact. 

I love my major. Seriously. Writers are so cool and interesting, not to mention we’re just so weird in an awesome way.

I think of all the people I’ve met in class this past year and I realized… We are the next generation. Let’s fuck shit up (in a good way) and change the world. I may never see these people again, but knowing them for a little bit has changed my life. I want to remember everyone. Like Nich, one of the US bank protesters who gave me a hug right after we met (no one does that much anymore, I wish people did; and he totally looked like Will from Parachute), Olivia who I met this quarter in Telemark (having a good conversation, telling me about the senior thesis, and about herself), even the guy Orion who’s in all of my classes (who I find pretty intriguing), and everyone in my workshop class, like Summer, Ceaser, Ted, Lindsey, and Katie (to just name a few). Best of luck to all of us.

Now the most important thing: I’ve finally found a story idea for my first book. Something that I will commit to (not like all my other stories where I write a few pages and quit). The whole story idea came to me today in bits and pieces as I was running during my workout and walking to the ARC for a work meeting. I need a story board STAT!!!!

Life is amazing. And no, I’m not on drugs right now. :]

Reason #4: Drunken Nights With Good Company

Those nights when your inhibitions are gone and you feel completely free; granted you are a bit tipsy. I must say I still am, but I wanted to write this while I was under the influence. There's some type of magical appeal to it. Your floating. No, you're flying. Maybe things will go your way for once. Maybe you'll meet someone you can connect with. The world seems so peaceful that you just want to dance and celebrate. Surrounded by friends, good energy, and a good time...

A wonderful night. Simple as that. Just go with it.

Reason #3: Flowers

We see them so often we take them for granted, but flowers are used at all types of occasions. I am lucky enough to have amazing people that have gifted me with flowers the past two nights for my performance. I went to bed yesterday feeling a bit sad, beating myself up at all the mistakes I made during the dance. I woke up this morning and the first thing I saw were the flowers. They cheered me up instantly and I couldn't help but feel loved from the these flowers as I remembered the friends I received them from.

Tonight is my last performance. I'm happy that it is almost over. I get to go back to my normal routine. At the same time, knowing that something beautiful and amazing is ending, makes me quite sad.

But I won't think of sadness right now, as I lay in bed, enjoying this Saturday morning, looking at all of the flowers on top of my bookshelf.

Reason #2: I will remember this moment.

My nerves consume me. 1-2-3-4-5-6. Breathe. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. My heart is trying to get out of my chest.

That moment on stage. The flood of lights. The music vibrating against your skin.

It means so much more, knowing you have people that care about you in the audience. A person's presence, by simply being there, swells my heart with joy.

I feel happiness.
I feel loved.
I feel as if I matter.

That's a good feeling.

----

 Between the earth and sky,
Oh, I wish to hide.
But love has bounded me
despite my intense desires.
To make the world I want;
set it all in beauty's fire.
Passion and rage,
til my last day.
No one can take this moment away.
Dance until I am free,
sleep until I can dream,
write until my story ends.
My own perspective,
my personal lens.

----

Cry. 45 dollar drive for an escape. Why don't you love me? Driving til the sunrises. Where is my father? Drive. Come back.

Reason #1: People

I'm writing this in a rush, but I've been contemplating this idea for the last two days so I want to make sure I write it down.

Life seems to be pulling me at different directions. My pessimistic views of the world and humanity are clashing with the exciting upcoming events that make me optimistic about life. In addition to that, I'm surrounded by change and many friends who are at a cross road in their lives. Contemplations of death and the life ahead have consumed us all as I see some of my friends completely stuck, at a standstill, with an unclear direction of what to do next.

To the point: Life sucks, but damn is it also beautiful. Therefore, I've created this segment, "Reasons to Live" as a reminder of the beautiful things that make life worth living despite the dark times that are inevitable.

So reason number 1? People. I think of each individual person as a book with their own interesting stories to tell. Listening to stories and sharing our own, I believe, creates the best friendships, relationships, and etc.

So to the interesting people in my life, thank you for sharing your stories with me. Confiding in me is one of the best gifts you can ever give me. And, if I shared my stories with you, then consider yourself special :]

You only get one life, so write the best damn story you can, and LIVE to the fullest.