There she goes.

Death. It’s so quiet. When one departs from the world, you don’t even notice it unless it’s a person close to you. And when it does happen to you, the silence of it is so loud. So jarring. So blaring. A loud echo that resonates inside your heart; a piece of it blackening and shriveling away into dust. Yet, the world goes on and you plant one foot in front of the other while the rest of the world is oblivious.

The Fifth Letter

It was a bit like oncoming spring—the rain dries up, but it’s still damp and chilly, reminding you that winter never quite goes away. And those that had been around me for that winter were quickly drying up. The friends that had ceased to be friends were now acquaintances and memories, droplets in a particular season in a given year that would most likely be forgotten.

And little did I know, you could be too.

                “Just a drink,” I said, pulling you by the arm. “I never see you anymore.”

                You hesitated, and I could see you debating with yourself through the creases in your forehead and the faraway look in your eyes.

                “But T—,” you protested.

                I frowned, realizing how much I disliked your girlfriend and not understanding why you continued to be with her.

                “Are you serious B—? You have to come celebrate with me.” I had just changed out of my performance dress and was ready to hit DeVerre’s, my favorite bar in Davis. “Just one drink, we need to catch up anyway,” I reasoned, though I also craved company. Real company. Not the false pretenses I was used to with everyone else, but the one where someone solid, someone genuine could laugh with me, listen to me digress about the world, and someone who I could confide in.

                You smirked. “All right. Let’s go.”

                I smiled triumphantly as we walked towards downtown. It was slightly cold, but I still felt warm and giddy from the night’s performance. We talked like we normally did, catching up like kids who had known each other for years instead of a few months, and it always surprised me how we managed to do that.

                We sat on one of the brown couches in the back where the bookcases were. We met a few other friends of mine who drank celebratory drinks with me, but soon left since it was still a school night. I didn’t feel like leaving though. I was still holding on to that temporary happiness that often comes from a good night and I wanted to hold on to it as long as possible. And when I looked over at you, I could see that you were holding on to it too.

                So we had another drink, just you and I. And soon, the barriers fell, crashing all around me. But as it fell, something within me was reaching out towards you. It was an affirmation of trust. I knew that I could,  and I wanted more than ever to confide in you, hoping you could see me full circle, not just what you had observed.

Like a tidal wave, it crashed into you.

                I told you everything.

                The dark things, the things that I tried to hide away, the things I could not face, the memories that had consumed me, and everything I was afraid of.

                You looked at me in a way I could never forget. There wasn’t sympathy in your eyes, or an expression of being overwhelmed by the onslaught of new information, rather you were awed and said, “That’s how I know you’ll be a writer. Because you’re broken.”

                You explained how that gave me the ability to truly feel and write so that others would be able to relate and you showed me that through confiding in me, telling me the things that you wouldn’t dare utter out loud.

                With the barriers no longer there, we talked for hours, and within another drink my mind became hazy.

                After, we took a walk outside, the night air made me shiver.  Overhead the stars watched us and in the distance we heard the echoes of the music from a nearby bar. We walked in a comfortable silence without direction; just being in the moment.

                But then all of a sudden, you stopped. You turned to me and said, “You’re everything I want and you’re everything I’ve been looking for.” Your eyes were honest and pure. “You’re perfect.”

                I stopped too, and inside my heart hammered, but my mind reasoned with it reminding me that I was broken. I was too lost. I could never allow myself to love or care for anyone again.

You searched my eyes, waiting. Waiting for what? I did not know, but somehow I felt like you could see right through me, for the imposter I was.

                “B—, I am far from perfect. I will never be.” I turned away from you, afraid that I would change my mind and say something I would regret, or something I wasn’t ready for.

                Then I remembered that we had too many drinks, and I wondered if what you had said was the truth, or out of passion. You remained silent, like the rest of the stars that watched us.

 ***

                Time passed before we met again, but when we did you smiled as you always did. We exchanged pleasantries and bits of our lives that the other had missed out on.

                “How are you and T—?” I couldn’t help, but ask.

                “Still together for now, but I really don’t know what’s going to happen once I graduate.”

                I nodded all the while gritting my teeth, wondering how you could still be with her when you realized that there was more out there. There was me. So I allowed myself to see it. You and I, but quickly took a step back, afraid. I was not ready.

 
***

                “We should always keep in touch. Write letters or something about our adventures and all the places that we go,” I suggested.

                “You know what? I really miss writing letters. No one does that anymore so yeah, I would be up for it.”

                When the time came, and the rain returned I wrote you the first letter and you replied with the second, the third, and then the fourth. But through the cold winter, I had forgotten to reply. So time went on, the seasons changed, and it was only when the leaves began to fall did I remember you and the time we sat looking at the leaves fall in the quad, mesmerized by their dance.

                So I wrote the fifth letter, but knew that I may never get a reply and realized then that you were perfect.

Perfect in the way that you were always yourself and perfect in the way that you continued to remain true to who you are. Because those were things I was never able to do. Those were the things that made me so imperfect, so afraid to love, so afraid to lose.

It was a bit like oncoming fall—the leaves fall, reminding you that winter is not far away. That the time for recollection nears, reminding me that you will never be forgotten.

Thoughts during my first experience of kava...

There's a whisper.
There's a whisper,
all but over there.
It's the intangible wind
that combs through your hair.

There's a laugh
and a smile,
from a love long forgot.
He's alone and lost,
and worst of all
an afterthought.

There's a sigh
and a cry
for those who are in pain.
The battle is endless,
and their shadows remain.

But there's hope,
there is love,
a joy no one can describe.
It's that certain feeling
you wished for
for your whole,
life.

Un-independence day

It's Independence Day, and as I write this it's 1:29 a.m. My eyes are puffed and tired from crying and my nose is rubbed raw; I am feeling far from independent. Rather I feel dependent on everything and anything around me in fear that I'll fall and relapse into a time and place that I know is no good for me.

In my last post I wrote about chasing something. What that something is, I have no idea. As a matter of fact I still don't. However, I have a few guesses. Uncertainty being one option, and awareness the other. Or maybe they go together.

How to reconcile with the uncertainty of life, I do not know. It only makes me question who to trust, and most of all, if I can even trust myself. There's nothing like things or people knocking you down as you make mistakes that you've become aware that your face has been on the ground all along. You've been inhaling the dirt, clogging up your lungs, but still you breathe, hoping that if you hold your ground things would be okay.

I know I'm not making sense. But at this unfortunate hour that I'm up. It makes sense to me.

I have this urge to rip up my diploma, a symbol of almost four years of my life amounting to... amounting to... well, frankly I don't know. I feel like I'm being punished for being an honest person. Is it bad to love so much? Is it bad to be who you are? Even if that means being reserved and a dreamer?

Apparently, yes. It seems like everyone wants me to be something else, even though all I want to be is myself. But the world doesn't belong to me. It's not my game, and therefore not my rules. It's their game and they want me to play it their way.

And I've decided that I don't particularly like this game very much. It's no wonder I keep to myself!

Chasing Cities

If I close my eyes and think of a happy place, I'll see the Seine River. I'd walk along the cobblestone steps, just as the sun was setting and the city lights of Paris were just beginning to shine. In the distance, the Eiffel Tower would be peeking out above the autumn trees, making me think "Wow, it's just like the picture," as I try to put it down into words.


What are places anyway? What's a home location as opposed to a vacation destination? How is it that they both bring about different emotions within us, such as comfort and nostalgia versus the excitement of a new adventure?

Last week my sister left to New York. A courageous thing to do no doubt. New York is the Paris of the U.S., is it not? So it made me wonder, can a city bring happiness? Will it bring her happiness? I think of my time in Paris and I think about how happy I felt when I was there. Would it still give me that same feeling if I lived there? Or would that all change?

I think about home, all the things I love about it, and all the things I hate. And most of all, all of the things I miss.

Those, like my sister, going off to new cities and relocating, I wonder what they're chasing after. Hope? Love? Adventure? A fresh start?

And as I sit in a coffee shop in Seattle, I can't help but ask myself the same thing: what am I chasing after?

Unanswerable and Uncertainty

Sometimes I wonder if I really know anything about the world. It's so big and vast, I wonder if I'll ever really be a part of it, or if my role is something insignificant like a piece of dirt. You could make the argument and say, "Of course you're a part of it Michelle, in fact you're a part of something even grander. Even being a piece of dirt makes a difference because you along with other pieces of dirt can be the soil that flowers grow out of, and so on and so on..."

We as individuals wrestle with the idea of 'purpose' that it's understandable some turn to religion. Religion gives some answers. But "answers" aren't really "answers," are they? Do you follow me? Because an answer can't be one hundred percent true or one hundred percent false. It's just an abstraction when you think about it, or even a "guess", so really, there aren't any answers in this world. And what sucks about that is the questions that arise in our minds. What are we suppose to do with them when they drive us absolutely crazy. Is that the point? To just be okay without answers and live in a world of uncertainty?

Unfortunately, yes.

Great... another abstraction, another guess, and no answers.

The "Second Draft"

I took a long break from writing my novel and after beginning the editing today, I really regret all of that lost time. The ending to the story just wasn't coming, which is pretty damn frustrating when it's been stewing in your mind for some time.

But after reading a couple of books over the weekend that somewhat disappointed me, I realized that I had the power to make something that wouldn't disappoint. Disappoint me that is.

And hopefully something that matters, not only to me, but to someone else.

Little Blaire Bear!

A photo of my cat, to brighten your day.

(More relevant, though that's not to say that Blaire is irrelevant, posts to come!)

Congrats to my twin sister No!

Turbulent

I grieve for who she was,
and cry for who she is.
I fear for who and what she becomes;
tangled, tangled, web
done and undone,
patchwork quilt
of year after year,
step after step
never, ever, good enough:
to light up the sky
with all her goodbyes,
to the girl, she once was.

Olive, the Kitten!

Arsenal

I’ll give you some matchsticks

along with some love letters,

(and tell myself,

I should know better.)

a knife

and a single rose.

Bullets to go along with a gun,

so shiny

and silver

I shiver

at the touch.

I’ll kiss that palm of your hand

Where you held it

as you held my face

Love in my eyes,

and trust in my kiss

for all the things you have

all the things you keep.

Never to use

nor ever lose.

Unexplored Territory

I went out for a run this afternoon, hopping to log about 6 miles. I have this out and back route to this wooden bridge on the river near my house that I usually go on. It's a pretty straightforward, but for some reason I got lost today and I don't know why.

On my way though, there were all of these butterflies along the river and the trail was littered with caterpillars.

So much that after 2.5 miles in on my run, I just stopped and decided to walk, not wanting to crush them by accident. Somehow, I took the wrong turn without realizing it. I thought I had stumbled upon a dry area, the word 'wasteland' coming to mind.

But I kept walking despite the rocks and weeds and came upon a peaceful place along the river that I had yet to see before.

And I wondered at that moment if this was somehow a metaphor for something I have yet to discover. 

I didn't go after the bridge today, instead I went all the way back home, the way I came. For the first time, a run didn't clear my mind. And for the first time, I got lost on a route I thought I knew so well. 

Present Moment

Yesterday I had the pleasure of catching up with a truly great friend. She's been with me despite all of the ups and downs of our college career and now that college is over for me and will be soon for her, we've realized how vast the world truly is.

It's kind of daunting thinking about where you'll be and what you'll be doing, but at the same time its exciting. Possibilities are endless, letting the mind wander infinitely. Sometimes I forget this. So used to being subject to fear, I wake up filled with anxiety and I wonder, "What will become of me?"

But there's some kind of wonderful and desperate beauty within that urgent question. For one thing, I acknowledge that I'm alive. How many times do we forget that we are when we go through the motions of life? How many times do we take it for granted? Being alive every day and having each day that comes my way simply gives me another chance to answer it. And I have the choice of keeping the same answer or changing it. It's all up to me. Though it comes with a responsibility, it is all empowering.

So take each day composed of moments and decisions and be present in every aspect of it. For who knows what the future brings and the past has already happened. But the present is ephemeral. Take it while you can before its gone. Some days will seem like the same, but believe me, they're not. Just like how every sunset and sunrise is different, so are you. Ever evolving, learning, and growing.

And there's never going back to who you used to be.

To my friend who inspired this post with her speech, thank you as always. "You're a damn good catch." ;]

The truth about writing...

So true. More than halfway done with my first draft of my manuscript.
Must.
Not.
Give.
Up.

That is all. Happy Thursday everyone!

Amazing Talent!

Hearts a mess-Goyte

Favorite song on the soundtrack!

Post-Seattle

It's been over a week since I've returned from Seattle. The past week seemed to go by so fast, yet upon reflection, so slow. Does that make sense? Or is my conception of time off the mark? Anyway, being back in Sacramento was a shock. Temperature shock that is. Luckily the past two days were nice, cloudy, and cool. I needed it. But now that I'm back and it's been over a month since school finished, I can't shake the feeling that I've come to the period in my life where all I'm doing is waiting, waiting, and waiting. For what exactly? Who really knows.

I've been submitting job applications, but after I submit them I imagine them diving into a pool of other applications in the black digital space, and soon enough mine becomes lost in the shuffle that I can't even distinguish my applications from all the others. Am I truly lost?

But maybe being lost, as they say, is the only way to be found. All I know is... I miss the coffee in Seattle (and of course the people ;]).

I definitely can't wait to go back. For those who haven't gone. I recommend it. Especially if you're from the hot, dry, valley like I am.

-M

Cereal Alternative! Milk+Strawberries+Chocolate=Yum

I don't allow myself to have cereal often at breakfast because of the sugar content and a serving size just never really fills me up. So instead I made my own alternative to cereal! All you need are three ingredients: your choice of rice cracker (I used a gluten-free chocolate flavored), milk (I chose unsweetened almond milk) and fresh fruit (hence my strawberries). It's all so simple: crumble cracker, cut fruit, combine altogether with milk! I feel like a kid again.

And just to make you smile, here's a photo of Blaire ;]

Have a great Tuesday everyone!

Post-Grad Update

Have no fear, I will no longer disappear!

As you can obviously tell, I've been away from my blog for awhile. There's no legit reason why. Rather, I've been lost in the shuffle. You would think that after graduating I would be blogging like crazy with all my free time, but to be honest I've been quite lost. All I've known is school and now that it's over, life's a bit disorienting. Not in a bad way of course. It's just something new that I'm trying to adjust to.

This post is simply my apologies and a notice for you all to be prepared. More posts are on their way and there's a lot of things to update you all on.

-Miss M