I have a feeling this will become my favorite movie...

The Words (Movie Trailer)

We love and we hurt; we learn and we grow. Only then will we start anew.

I woke up this morning and I noticed that I was breathing easily. No panic. No stress. No groggy or tired feeling. No nightmares or  crazy dreams. Just a peaceful sleep ended by my eyes opening.

No more ties to the past, only hope for each coming day. It's the feeling of falling in love, and I am in love with life, despite all the pain that comes with it... because with pain, comes beauty.

And with beauty comes strength.

My Endurance Mentality

I have a hate/love relationship with running.

When I was younger I hated running. It always seemed so boring to me, doing the same motion over and over. I preferred playing sports and I always joked with my coaches that if they wanted me to run they would need to give me a soccer or volleyball to motivate me to.

But in college sports just weren't the same anymore and I started getting into running last year. I starting signing up for 10K's and then a half-marathon, but I hated training for race day. I only loved the feeling of finishing the finish line. Somehow, this perspective seemed skewed. It was like I was just living for one moment. But that's not how life or running should be. Life isn't about one moment but all of the little moments. Each and every step. Life is about the journey you go through, and the accumulation of those moments and events create these finish lines along the way. Now I can finally see running as a metaphor for that.

But that wasn't my initial perspective.

During my first half-marathon, I was proud of myself that I finished, but I wasn't proud of my time. If anything I was ashamed of it. I would tell myself that the only reason I finished was because I had the ability to endure pain. Whether it's enduring emotional and physical stress, or a haunting past, I seemed to be a pro at enduring it all.

Yet, pain tolerance isn't something to be proud of...

Putting one foot in front of the other, I told myself to keep moving and push past it all. Keeping my dreams and goals in sight, I realized that I had to move on.

I learned to forgive others and forgive myself, accept and acknowledge the past as a reminder to myself who I am, and learning to let it go with each breath.

Soon enough I was running faster, breathing easier, and conquering every mile. With hard work and dedication, running felt like flying, and I finally felt free from all the things that I had endured. I may not be the fastest or the best runner, but I was becoming a happier person.

To cross those finish lines in life, you have to work hard and keep at it with each and every step.

On July 14th I will be proud of myself for finishing my second half-marathon and I will be proud of my time. But most of all, I will be proud of who I am and how far I've come to be the young lady that I am today.

Summer: Live Like It's Your Last Day

"Love in a Box" and "Waiting for You"-The Workday Release

 Heard these songs on Pandora during my run and just thought they were cute and catchy!

Click here to listen to "Love in a Box" via youtube!

Click here to listen to "Waiting for You" via youtube!

The Best Summer Ever 2 0 1 2!

I'm having a really difficult time studying for my last final. I haven't even started and I don't want to. I'm itching for summer especially with a taste of it yesterday night. I'm hoping if I just write it all out, I can get these distracting thoughts out of my head and focus on the upcoming exam.

I guess I should first explain why this summer is so important to me, but to get there I should explain last summer. Last year I was going through a really tough time and I didn't really know what to do to make things better or make myself better. When the quarter ended, I put on a smile and acted like everything was okay when I knew that there was something under the surface, waiting to erupt. I'm sad to say I tried to avoid it all by turning to partying and drinking for that temporary release from reality; or rather, I abused it.

So when the school year came to an end at a graduation party, a few friends and I went downtown. I wanted to forget everything and I knew a little alcohol could do just that. But a little turned out to be a lot,  making me completely reckless. But it seemed like alcohol and partying just couldn't do it for me any more. I completely blacked out and woke up in a friend's bed where the graduation party was still going.

I was ashamed at how I allowed myself to go this far. This night was different from the rest of the stupid parties where I made a fool out of myself. This time I was a mess inside and out, and this time everyone could see it. I couldn't smile it off anymore and I was too tired too. I cried all night and my friends tried to console me, but they didn't really know why I was crying. I gave them excuses, not wanting to admit the truth and let them believe what they wanted.

So once summer arrived, I knew I had to deal with my issues at hand. I isolated myself from my friends and family, trying to focus on myself and gave up drinking and partying. But with the twelve weeks of summer school I just kept putting off what was really bothering me until I created an almost limbo reality for myself. Summer flew by as I declined offers to hang out with friends. Soon enough, some friends were getting engaged and married. Others were leaving. And I found myself in a sad looking office, but finally seeking help.

Other events happened then, but this is all I really think of when I look back at my 2011 summer.

I refuse to let this summer go and slip by, because this is the summer of change. I've learned from my past mistakes and know better now than to make the same ones.

So when next year comes around and I look back at my 2012 summer, I hope to remember it as the best summer ever.

Make the world better, by making yourself better.

In life your dealt a hand of cards, but it's how you play that hand that matters. And how you play that hand depends on you.

There's this phrase that's been thrown around a lot lately. Maybe you've heard of it? "Yolo", short for you only live once. It's got me thinking that if I only live once then I should live for me. That's easier said than done with so many obligations and a society that has expectations I can only try to meet, that soon enough the world starts to weigh me down. The pressure becomes so immense that at times I have a hard time breathing. How can I live the life I want when I am so restricted by finances, morals, and societal rules? Who said the path in life was to go to school, work, get a higher education, to work even more, find a partner, get married, and reproduce? And why do we all continually label each other to the point that we become defined by others?

I find myself passing time laying in my bed and staring out the window about my life and asking how I got up to this moment. I've become such a different person then the girl I used to know. I've cried and smiled throughout the years and grew up along the way. Now entering adulthood, this question burns in my mind: is this who I want to be?

Here is my hand of cards, it's my move. What am I going to do? One life. One game. How do you win? How do you lose?

Well, I want to win. I want happiness.

Yet, happiness comes from within. So I know I need to work on myself, to better myself; because that is the only thing in this grand universe that I have control over. And come to think of it, if everyone bettered themselves and became a little bit happier, the world wouldn't be such a bad place to live in.

But what do I mean by work? I mean working my own mentality (how I think and perceive the world), spirituality (health and fitness), and style (how I choose to live my life). These will be the seeds to happiness that enable me to grow.

If I'm happy, those around me will be too. It'll be infectious in a good way.

This is what YOLO means to me.

As for my hand of cards? Love. Live. Laugh. I think that's a winning hand ;]

Cyclic Addictions

It's strange to see how fast the years go. Things seem to have changed so much, and at the same time not at all. Like the seasons, we see the familiar temperatures that come and go year after year. The hot, the cold, the warmth, and the cool. The storms, the blazing heat, the whispering winds, and the crying rain.

On that note, there's this memory game I like to play in my head. On a random day I'll sit and think to myself, "What did I do at this time exactly one year ago? Two years ago?" And so on. Sometimes journals jog my memory when I fail to remember, but I notice that I'm always changing, but the same at heart. A romantic, dreamer, and always too trusting. However, my perceptions of the world around me is constantly changing and I've begun to question who I am and who I want to be. I don't want to be chained by other people's perceptions of me nor do I want to be a product of society's conditioning. I don't want to be used or taken for granted, and I will not live in order to please others. It's hard to stick up for yourself, and it's difficult to break old habits.

These habits, or addictions that haunt me, come like the seasons it seems.

But it's time to break free from it all and let it all go. We won't be able to know the day our light goes out, but I rather go with a lighter load. I will not be weighed down, even during eternal sleep.

Defilement

-->

You chip away at me,

hoping to sculpt a masterpiece,

you scrape away my dreams

filling my cracks and seams,

with your artistic vision.

You mold me until it hurts.

Pushing and pulling,

bending and breaking,

twisting and tearing,

Rubbing raw my skin

with your ruthless words

Til I am polished to your liking.

Alcohol-

Removes-

my shellac skirt.

Your white paint-

Forced-

on a collectible piece.

After.

The fragments of your

scrap pile.

The Lillies

You plucked each petal,

and bruised each stem.

You wanted each and every one of them.

The sepals were torn off,

and thrown in disarray.

Their blooms misshaped,

and scattered away.

Five pink lilies, sisters of spring.

The flowers left wilted,

No joy could they bring.

Oh, the horror on everyone’s face!

Found near their mother, the shattered vase.

Dripping onto their carpet,

their perfume left a stain.

Life without the Lillies—

Which culprit to blame?

Hush

My blood cascades beneath

my skin—hush, as the candles flicker.

Oh, it draws you in.

Shadows on our bare—

But your blood replies, shallow breath,

touching—

my velvety, skin—it whispers, hush.

The flame licks the cherry blossom lips.

Its taste and fragrance—a head rush.

Hush.

Pleasure with your eyes, painting

slow, long, and deep—

The wave, upon wave,

my cries.

You tell me teasingly,

hush.

Consuming our shared blood

a fire breathes.

Burning the roots of the family tree.

Imagination

The six string guitar swims in a sea

between the earth and sky. Horizon beams

projected out of my head.

A layer upon another. The paint still,

in the light’s movement.

The abstract concrete takes over

the uncontrolled. Falling in an abyss

of tantalizing emblems, that marks

infinitesimal particles

surrounding, swelling.

Drowning in uncertainty.

(Three times a day for five days assignment)

The thrum of the world’s outside my window, shades the sweet melody of the bird’s narratives.

But one mile into my thoughts, and my knees go weak.

Exhausted by the categorical nature.

Losing out to make a record,

Chimes the aggravation.

Red, red, red.

Wisps of air

Itching and burning—stings

like a film strip.

One foot in front of the other.

Free.

Eleven hours of grey,

And the class crosses over.

A square of us, talk of trips.

Cold and distorted.

The Kiss (Poetic Line Assignment)

The brush of the wind, a sweet ecstasy.

A sunrise’s caress, soft and warm.

It hums beneath my skin,

waiting to blossom and fly in the breeze.

Yearning for time and this endless moment.

A song of white fire, that tastes like rain;

the symphony of a spectrum of colors

becomes a whirlwind of uncontrollable desire.

Fantastical dreams that should not exist;

the colliding of midnight stars, along the twilight’s horizon.

Eli's Words (Conversation Assignment)

Wait.

You don’t really care about me.

Nothing.

Super bright light.

Blanking out.

You’ll be fine.

Drowsy.

Let it flow,

free as a bird.

Thanks.

Sweet enough.

Self-conscious,

Shy and soft spoken.

No, too sweet.

Stay true.

Sorry joy to yourself,

with interesting stories to tell.

I’m taking a while.

The Wanderer (Craft Assignment)

As the sun braves the world,

he smiles on.

With an effortless grace,

he roams the day

like a soft summer breeze

just sweeping through.

He is a mystery.

He is a wanderer.

His spoken words are rare-

a rare beauty.

The sun rises,

so he smiles.

Casually walking

throughout the day,

like a light summer breeze

that blows through.

He wanders around,

making him a mystery.

He barely talks;

But when he does,

it’s nice.

Dream Lake (Sound Poem)

Sweet dreams, while deep in sleep,

throughout the night through twinkling lights.

She made her way to see the lake,

to play the same games with her old school mate.

He had bright beautiful blue eyes,

Oh, how he loved to hide from her.

In green fields or in trash of peach peels,

in the treetops or the rooftops.

She could not find him, she could not see,

even though he buzzed and buzzed like a bee.

Under the Bed (Triggering Poem)

At the corner, sat a lavender box.

Photographs spilled over the rim.

A boy with freckles splattered across his cheeks

stared out of the picture with a wide grin.

The silver box springs under the bed,

all in all perfectly spaced,

were in the ready position

against the reddish rug they faced.

Strands of blonde and brown hair

were hung and danced in between.

The glittering dust seemed to sleep

sprinkling the realm as they dreamed.

The cream-colored sheet of spectators

surrounded and watched all around.

As the dime-sized long-legged spider,

descended gracefully to the carpeted ground,

Held only by a twinkling thread,

it commanded attention

by everything under the bed.

Someone I Will Meet

Music humming beneath my skin.
The sun's gentle push causes me to open my eyes,
as life blooms with fragrances of daytime dreams,
and pure love that lights up the night.
I wander with direction,
into the mind of someone I've never met,
so that one day we can learn to love with no regrets.
We'll fill each other's broken hearts,
turning us again into believers,
and you'll tell all your friends,
that you'll never leave her.

And I'll tell mine that your the one,
And so we'll kiss beneath the setting sun,
Til the melody of life and love is done.

A Sunday Morning.

Listening to "Too Close" by Alex Clare and drinking coffee at Starbuck's with my computer in front of me prompts me to update my blog instead of starting on my paper.

Yesterday, I finished writing in my sixteenth journal. Comparing this weekend to last weekend, I'm glad my mood is better. I think I was just having a moment of high stress. I just hate the fact that their are so many things in life that are out of our control that it makes me wonder if I have any free will at all. If it is my life, shouldn't I be the one controlling it and deciding what path I take? Yes, in life we do get some choices, but we can't necessarily choose the outcome. We are so restricted by things like money, the past, and society that it holds us back from actually living. Obviously, you can tell I have control issues (something I'm constantly working on). But sometimes when I'm going through the motions of the day, I catch myself and think, "Is this really something I want to be doing?". We always say live in the moment, but are we actually doing that? Each moment goes by and we dismiss it or we aren't aware of it; thus, if we aren't aware of it, are we really living? Maybe this is too abstract, but it's embedded into the back of my mind. Maybe, it's the "YOLO" craze lately that's infected my subconscious. I don't know. I just think too much.

And I should probably put my thinking to use for my paper (although it's certainly something I don't want to do).

Wishing you all a good Sunday!
-Miss M